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Seriously? “Relax and Enjoy”? …”Relax and Enjoy my *$#%&!!* | Today's Cliche - Marriage, Family, & Working Mommy... from BOTH Women's and Men's Perspectives

Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Seriously? “Relax and Enjoy”? …”Relax and Enjoy my *$#%&!!*

January 7, 2010 by  

An incredibly sweet, loyal, amazing, and flippin’ hysterical friend of mine sent me the following email at 11:30 pm tonight. I tried everything in my absolute power to resist the urge to keep it to myself, but was hurdled over laughing my a&s off at the end of it, I HAD TO SHARE. Talk about how I can totally relate! This has SO happened to anyone who has had a full body service, if yah know what I mean.

Friend gets full credit; I did not compose the following prose (I was also torn about whether/not to allow her to remain anonymous; whoever guesses who she is, gets a prize):

I have to tell you that I got a facial today, and all I could think of was your blog.  I was chuckling to myself throughout the facial because I was “writing” in my head what could be said.   Just had to share.  Goes something like this:

Relax and Enjoy

Okay, so I am about to enjoy a facial.  As much as you can enjoy a microderm abrasion that freakin’ hurts, that is, and that’s before she starts squeezing every tiny blemish out of my face (that I didn’t even know I had) with her wooden stick that she often breaks from the utter force she is applying.

My hands and feet start sweating just thinking about the words, “We’re going to do a few extractions now.  You ready”  But hey, if they say my skin will look better, then sign me up. Nobody said we had to age gracefully.

Anyhow, before I get to “relax” during my torture session, I have to get on the table first. You know how they say, “I’ll step out while you put this on and get comfortable, and then I’ll be right back in. Okay? Take your time…” Take your TIME?!!! I am usually just barely under the blanket before the knock, and that’s after moving so fast, my heart rate rivals that of a kickbox class!

Today is no different.  The moment I hear the click of the door, the race begins.  I start taking off my earrings, then my sweater jacket.  That unzips no problem, but there is a little tie at the bottom and it ends up in knot because I am moving so quickly.  A KNOT?!  I do not have time for a KNOT!!  I can feel the clock ticking as I fight the knot with fumbling fingers and finally get it out.  Off the sweater comes, and then I frantically move to the lower half.  I am running out of time!!!  Surely the girl is standing right outside the door by now, tapping her foot as I am enduring an aerobic workout on the other side of the door!

I unsnap and unzip the denim leggings I have on (which I read today in US Magazine are quite fashionable, by the way), and again I begin to struggle.  And that’s when I realize I am having a FACIAL!  I don’t NEED to take off my pants!  What am I doing?!!!  Tick-tick-tick-tick.  For a moment I ponder just leaving those hummers unsnapped and unzipped for the next hour and diving under the blanket, but I am paying for this service after all, and it would be a nice perk to be comfortable.  Tick-tick-tick-tick.  I can sense that I have really reached the breaking point, and I turn my back to the door just in case the inevitable happens.  I secure the leggings, and then sure enough–as I am trying to get that damn wrap on with the snaps so tiny I can’t even find them–I hear it.

Knock…knock!!  Immediately followed by the door opening (with no delay, of course) …. NO!!!!! “Just a second!” I mutter as I try to cover my backside. She mumbles her apologies as she hustles back out the door: “Oops! Sorry!”

In a flash, I find those miniscule snaps as if I’m having an out-of-body experience under the extreme pressure and jump under the blanket. The “knee pillow” goes flying and I try to work it back up from my ankles under my knees by pulling with my heels as fast as humanly possible.  Right-left-right-left-right-left.

That little sausage finally settles where it should be and in my nicest sing-song voice, I say, “Rea-dy!!!!”  She walks back in and says, “You comfortable?”  Oh, yes, I assure her as I swear a bead of sweat drips from my forehead.  “Wonderful.  We’ll get started then.  Just relax and enjoy…

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5 Responses to “Seriously? “Relax and Enjoy”? …”Relax and Enjoy my *$#%&!!*”
  1. Melissa says:

    That is SO funny! Has absolutely happened to me! You are so right, they never give you enough time!


  2. Ally says:

    Oh funny – I feel that race at the gyn office, too. You’re desperately trying to get undressed and hide your undergarments under your pants and shirt before they come waltzing in the room. (Of course at the doctor’s office, you then realize that you hurried for nothing because they are running 30 minutes behind, leaving you sitting there with your “paper drape” and half gown!!)


  3. Mommy Bear says:

    Haha! This is too funny.

    I am with Ally. The whole time I was thinking about my experiences at the gyn office.


  4. Mommy Bear says:

    I was laughing so hard I forgot to put

    Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!!


  5. Melinda says:

    Hi Kat! Thanks for visiting my blog! It’s so nice to find a kindred spirit out there in cyberspace! I love your blog. You’re a busy girl. You’ve got so much going on here. It’s wonderful! ;0)

    My blog is undergoing a little facelift next week to make it more of a website (not JUST) a blog. Seemed like a good way to start the New Year.

    It’s so nice to find other women out there who struggle with the perfection thing, too. And find women who are winning the battle. I, too, have to fight against all the time, but I’m making progress!

    Yes, let’s keep in touch!!


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