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10 Reasons I Was Better Off Without Him | Today's Cliche - Marriage, Family, & Working Mommy... from BOTH Women's and Men's Perspectives

Monday, November 20, 2017

10 Reasons I Was Better Off Without Him

February 25, 2010 by Kat  

Mama's Losin' It

My assignment today: 10 reasons you’re better off without him

I have been blessed with self-confidence, and the self-reliance to stand up for myself, my whole life — well, almost my whole life. My parents are 100% responsible for emulating this confidence onto me. Further, they always let me know they believed in me, and never criticized anything I did (or wore; thanks, Mom!). They only offered advice if I asked of it. Major brownie points, there. How many people are fortunate enough to have parents like that?

Well, crushes and infatuation do scary things to people. And, that’s ALL they are. Infatuations are figments of your imagination that “someone” is something so grande, you want it (or him) so badly, and you want it (or him) now. THIS IS unnatural, right? Why do we learn this so late in life?

Crushes skew your judgement. Note 2 my daughter and sons: when in a relationship — and your GUT instinct both tells you they’re not right AND you have a hunch your family is NOT a fan — take a serious hint. I NEVER asked my family FOR their opinion. ‘Cause I know what they’d say. Do you have a similar story?

I sweat 24/7 to raise my children with self-confidence, and insist that they listen to ‘that feeling in their belly that it just doesn’t feel right’. And run. Run fast if you get that feeling. They’re young, so it’s a slow learning curve. My mom taught me the same thing, but somehow I became so self absorbed; I didn’t remember the rules.  I pray to God that a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t forever scar one of my children’s hearts, like one unnamed one did mine.

It’s shocking that you can be one way your entire life, and really believe you know who you are, only to be cremated by poisonous words others impose on you. Someone who sweetly wraps you around their little finger, only to take out the claws — once they knew you were hooked.

I can’t believe I’m bringing up a former “He” in my life on this blog, considering my hubby co-blogs with me (gulp, sorry honey!), but Mama Kat gave me an assignment, and I can’t let her down 8-O .

This person I was so much better off without — I still can’t believe how often I think of how he ruined my life for a chunk of years. Ironically, just months prior to dating this guy, I had just come out of a very normal, loving, stable, inspiring, and admirable relationship with my High School Sweetheart — where there were NEVER any red flags. From one nice, amazing guy to another — or so I thought. I felt deceived.

  1. I believe, at one point, I was truly dating Jim Carrey in Me, Myself, and Irene.  I never knew who I was gonna get.
  2. I became his little project. He tried to mold and manipulate me into someone I wasn’t. No person in their right mind would intentionally hurt someone the way he did me. For the 1st few months of the relationship, I thought he was a level-headed, non-manipulative, great guy… for a few months.
  3. He’d verbally abuse me in one room, tear me down to my core into little pieces, insisted I was all of these terrible, malicious, loathing things, and then — literally walk out of the room, into the Living room where about 10 of our friends were hanging out and be unrecognizable. Mr. ‘everyone loves me’ (b/c he only allowed me the privledge of seeing this side of him) was a C-O-M-P-L-E-T-L-Y  D-I-F-F-E-R-E-N-T  P-E-R-S-O-N in front of ANYONE other than me. At first he was the guy I only wanted to be around. Like a switch in his head, 6 months in, he messed with my head beyond comprehension.
  4. He CONVINCED me that an asset/gift that I had been complemented on my whole entire life – my outgoing personality – was something that others DETESTED, mimicked, mocked, and took as offensive. He swore that everyone we had ever known constantly complained about how annoying I was. I actually believed him, and began crawling into a shell; felt paranoid all of the time. I came to realize that these deceitful and manufactured pieces of fiction were due to the fact that HE wanted to be the center of attention – and couldn’t stand that I, unknowingly, stole the (his) show.
  5. He often told me I was chubby.
  6. He told all his friends, and all of my friends to tell me that I needed to wax my lip (I was bleaching it at the time… that bit of advice was actually a blessing in disguise!). I actually owe him a thank you; however, his approach was TASTELESS.
  7. We were just out of college; focused on new careers, happy hours, and living in one of the coolest cities in the US — the last thing on my mind was having kids. However, he insisted that all I wanted was for him to be my husband. Umm, NOT EXACTLY. I didn’t even know what I wanted out of life at that point. And, I wasn’t mature enough to even come close to making that decision. But, he was always looking to screw with my head… I dunno. You got me.
  8. He said some really nasty things about my brothers; he sucked.
  9. He twisted my sister’s arm during a harmless game of family charades on Thanksgiving. She only told me afterward.
  10. If Betty Ford were at my house at Thanksgiving that year, she would have sent a shuttle for him.
    WAIT… one more:
  11. Due to his brain washing, I became obsessed with running (see #4, chubby comment), I fled the country (seriously) to get the hell away from anything to do with him for 7 months; I returned refreshed, refocused, and un-angry.

Within 6 months of returning from a short stint of a career on several cruise ships, I met the love of my life. I still get butterflies when I hear his voice. When I think of him I feel only warmth, love, encouragement, and admiration. He puts me up way too high on a pedestal, and I can’t understand why. Maybe it’s God’s way of counteracting all of the negativity in that past relationship.  God, and Dave, are amazing!

Hubs is my true soul mate and God has blessed me 1000 times over for the horrifically damaging relationship I was entangled in for 8-9 months. I’d like to take this opportunity to, in fact, thank this guy who: stole my life, my emotional innocence, my confidence (for, thankfully, just a short time; shew!), and made me question who I always was.

Follow your gut.  Follow your gut. And, ask for your family’s opinion. Don’t avoid doing so for fear of what they’ll say.

I heard he’s changed. Is change possible? Maybe it was just me he tortured? Hmmm….

I wish him well. I really do. I’ve heard he’s a better man, though.

I’m also anxious to hear in any of you have similar stories/skeletons in your closet?

I believe I went through this experience so that I can somehow share this story, when the kids are mature enough.  There was never physical abuse or ANYTHING like that… but words pierce. Only people who have allowed people like this into their heart understand. Hopefully I’ll be able to detect if one of my kids’ boy/girlfriends has this potential beforehand, and mutilate him/her gently suggest that they hit the pavement.


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Comments

16 Responses to “10 Reasons I Was Better Off Without Him”
  1. Heather says:

    I agree! Listen to your gut, if I’d have done that wow, almost ten years ago I wouldn’t have an ex husband right now but I can’t help but wonder if I hadn’t married him would my life still have led me to the true love of my life?

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  2. MandyP says:

    Holy cow…I have not even “known” you that long and I can tell that you are the life of the party when you walk in a room. To think that he tried to take that from you is ridiculous!!

    I Do happen to have a story of my own, but I won’t go into great detail as I don’t think there’s enough room on your blog for that! Ha! In short, I was married before I met the love of MY life…to a guy for 4 1/2 years (we dated for 4 years before we married) and the ENTIRE time he cheated on me, had email and online accounts that I knew nothing about, and went to meet at least one person at a hotel and tried (unsuccessfully) to lie about it. He told me I was too “Polly-Anna’ish” and he didn’t want me raising his “prodigies.” So…FINALLY after 8 long years together, I left and got out of that very dangerous, oppressive relationship. Disclaimer**I am NOT a fan of divorce. BUT, I would NEVER, NEVER trade my life now with a truly wonderful man and 4 beautiful babies. God does have a way of making things right. =)

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  3. Nunya Bidness says:

    I, for one, believe your sister probably deserved to have her arm twisted during the game of charades that fateful Thanksgiving eve….oh so many years ago.

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  4. Cin says:

    To Nunya Bidness……no maybe you should Nunya Bidness.

    After all of you’re smack about making a comment…..this is the BEST you can do????? This wacko guy sounds a little like you circa 1985!!!! JB you can’t fool me!!!!

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  5. Laura says:

    Wow. Yes I have definitely been there! Mine was a long-distance relationship, and everything was so great. When I moved to another country to be with him, the belittling began. Not great for a girl in a foreign country with no friends around.

    Like you, I wish I had realized a long time ago that a breakup isn’t the end of the world. In my experience, breakups always lead to something new, exciting and better!

    I’m glad you finally found the right guy. :)

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  6. Ally says:

    There’s an old song that goes – “Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers” – yeah some of those guys I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with – not so much. I can’t imagine the disaster my life would be. I’m blessed with the guy I SHOULD be with.

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  7. Kat says:

    You guys are RIDICULOUSLY supportive, understanding, and faithful! I’m sooo relieved to hear/read that others have gone through similar issues.

    Meanwhile, I’m pretty certain my parents don’t realize how hard a time this was for me; I don’t think I REALIZED. I wasn’t trying to keep it from them… it’s just that I didn’t go out of my way to divulge, I guess?

    SORRY SORRY SORRY this post is sooo darn and RIDICULOUSLY LONG! Sooo sorry! Ouch!

    [Reply]

  8. Libby says:

    Unless you end up marrying him, I think high school sweethearts always ruin the next one.
    I think this is a very good idea btw…for a blog and just as personally therapy!

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  9. J says:

    Okay..how did we date the same guy once upon a time??

    Big hugs to you for overcoming (as did I) such a toxic relationship.

    I hear you on making it a top priority to instill confidence in our children..SUPER important!

    I love your blog, btw!

    [Reply]

  10. Kevin says:

    What the hell did this d-bag say about your brothers? I wish I would’ve known all of this earlier. I would’ve come and visited you and belittled the sh&t out of that piece of crap. As a matter of fact, I’ll go do it right now if you give me his address! Trust me…he hasn’t changed, once an a$$hole, always an a$$hole!

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  11. Erica says:

    I’m a senior in college, and for a minute I thought you were writing about my ex-boyfriend. I’m just beginning to rebuild my life and self-esteem, except i didnt flee the country. He didnt twist my sisters arm but he would not say hi to her when she would visit me, even when we were at the same bar. In the beginning I thought he was absolutely perfect for me, 4 months in I realized I had stopped hanging out with people because I was so self-conscious, and after 9 months I had become so depressed that we had to break up.

    I want to know is how good-looking outgoing girls like us fall into these unhealthy relationships. First and last one though. I agree with you, in an ironic way I want to thank him because when I start dating again I will appreciate a loving relationship so much more.

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  12. Sha says:

    Hi i cannot tell you how much this helped me. i just go out of a 4 year realtionship. Looking back now I fee as if “WHat was i dealing with?” I moved out of my state to move down to florida for him, he didnt work he’s in college but sill. I work and tak care of everything. He would make me feel like a grain of sand he would never cook for me never take me out and tell me my fatal flaw was settling for less then i deserved but he was alwys the main person who gave me the least. He would lie,mamipukate and in the end now I feel as if i really have to do alot of work to be confident and happy with myself. he broke up with me because he felt he wasn;t good enough for me.. couldn’t figure that out 4 yrs ago before i left everythign I know behind??? this really helped because writeing down ten reason im better off without him really opens my eyes that hey mabye i really am better off!! so thankyou for this and I hope I to find a man who treats me as if I am his soul mate as well.

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  13. Jamie says:

    Ok hi I JUST stumbled upon this post when I googled ” Do Am I better off without him?” Yes, I literally typed this in the search bar..

    I am going through something way similar, as Ive read in these comments, I believe we’ve all been there. He made it out to be my fault and never accepted blame for anything he did on his end. I profusely apologized for my end in the relationship, I thought I was being the bigger person, but this just gave him ammo to believe he was the “victim” and I was the crazy, psycho girlfriend. Idk, Im going through it now, and just wishinh time goes by because thats the only way I’ll heal, it through time..

    Peace and love to y’all.
    Jamie

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    denise Reply:

    I’m here because I typed ‘why you’re better off without him’, so you’re not alone :)

    And yep, I’m now in the very same place you were just a few months ago. It’s a long story, but he found out he was being sent to Australia for 2 years, dumped me, started casually dating other women, got into a more serious relationship with one, she broke up with him because his exit date was coming up, he contacts me and feeds me all the lines I can gobble up about how he’s been in love with me the whole time and misses me and says all those things you make yourself forget but mean so much coming from him to you. Then his ex tells him SHE’S in love with him and he tells me he’s in love with her and now they are together and I am sitting here, mad as all hell at myself for letting him break my heart twice. And yeah, today has been better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today…but I wish it could be 6 months from now, when I’ll have forgotten about him again and have completely remembered who I am.

    This turned out to be longer than I intended, oops!

    [Reply]

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