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Walking in Circles… | Today's Cliche - Marriage, Family, & Working Mommy... from BOTH Women's and Men's Perspectives

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Walking in Circles…

April 26, 2010 by Kat  

Walking in circles. Walking in circles. Walking in circles. I don’t know where I’m going; and I certainly don’t know how I got here.

What I wanted to write to my Mommy days before she passed, but was too chicken:

I was fearful of her reaction.

Shoulddah, Woulddah, Coulddah.

Remorse.  Self-reproach. Why was I too scared to ask pertinent questions that would give me courage to move on with my grief?


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Comments

17 Responses to “Walking in Circles…”
  1. MandyP says:

    You can still ask. Her response may not be audible, but you can still receive answers. My heart continues to break for you. Please know that I am thinking of you and praying for you.

    [Reply]

    Kat Reply:

    If you have the cliff notes version as to how to receive the answers, I’ll gladly accept.

    Love you! And, thanks for all you continue to do to support me, BFF.

    [Reply]

  2. There are always what if’s. I think it is all part of the grieving process. With a mom – I don’t think that they ever completely go away. I’m so sorry you lost your Mom, Kat. I’ve been thinking of you ever since I saw your twitter post last night. My mother died when I was just a tiny one but still. Sending prayers and strength your way. If you ever want to talk I am a good listener. I haven’t read it in a few years but on my nightstand I have the book Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss by Hope Edelman. Somneday down the road you might want to check it out. I hope your heart is filling with the warm and beautiful memories you have of your mom and that they bring peace and strength your way.

    [Reply]

    Kat Reply:

    I am desperately seeking books to put my heart at ease. DO you definitely recommend it? I ask, b/c I have barely any time in my day to pick up a book these days… so I am hoping to pick up only those that are extremely thought-provoking and poignant. Gosh, I can NOT imagine losing a mom being so little… in fact, I think often about if I were to die… that my children are too young to really remember me. Gosh, it’s just all so sad.

    Hugs, and thanks again!

    [Reply]

  3. Tracie says:

    I wish I could just gather you up in a big hug and give you even a measure of the comfort you gave me when I wrote a really hard blog post…..

    Since that is impossible I will just be sending love your way and lots of prayers.

    [Reply]

    Kat Reply:

    Thank you… and I had no idea I did that for you! Hugs, kat

    [Reply]

  4. I was saddened to see that your mom passed away. I hope that peace and healing come to your heart quickly.

    [Reply]

    Kat Reply:

    With all the support I have been receiving, my healing is coming along… thank you, Sarah!

    [Reply]

  5. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Just yesterday I was hoping everything was okay because I hadn’t seen you “around” in a litt while. I think that it’s impossible for someone to pass without having regrets – every relationship feels unfinished to a degree. You and your family are in my thoughts.

    [Reply]

    Kat Reply:

    Megan – it’s been hard not “being around”… but I have had ZERO time. You’re totally right about every relationship feeling unfinished. That’s what it probably is, as well. Thanks soo much for your warmness!

    [Reply]

  6. i am so sorry for your loss Kat . . .

    [Reply]

    Kat Reply:

    Hey, Kiran. Thanks, girl. I am so sorry I’ve been so MIA…and haven’t even been able to check out your blog with everything going on the last month… I’ll be back to myself (hopefully?) in the near future. Until then, thanks for your support, girl.

    [Reply]

  7. MissyPW says:

    Thinking of you everday, Darling. Try and focus and all you DID say to your Mom, all the wonderful memories you have, everything you did for and with her over your lifetime together. I know you were an amazing daughter to her. We all have regrets but try and focus on the good stuff. Maybe you didn’t get to ask her those things for a reason…
    I wish I could give you a big hug; soon, I hope.

    [Reply]

  8. alicia says:

    I don’t know you. I dumbed into your blog and happened on this post. And my heart goes out to you. I don’t know your story, but I know what it is like to get wrapped up in the what ifs.

    I agree with what Missy said- try to focus on the beautiful things that were exchanged and the words spoken.

    Hang in there.

    [Reply]

  9. Ally says:

    Ah Kat, I wish I could tell you there’s an answer. There isn’t. So I’ll tell you the truth. Time helps some. But right now, every single minute is excruciating. It does get less excruciating. I can’t say I’ve been exactly in your shoes – I haven’t. But I lost my MIL five months ago. The last two years of her life we had become like mother and daughter. I took over her medical care for her cancer. We went through every step together. And the first step was grieving the lost of my father in law to cancer just four months before her diagnosis. She spent months with us. Recovered from surgery with us. Went through chemo with us. We flew back and forth. I was about to get on a plane there when she passed. She’d asked me to come back. It still hurts. A lot. But there are good moments now, too. Lots of them. I can finally talk and laugh about memories with her. Sometimes tears come, but sometimes I just enjoy the memories.

    I know it sounds weird, but I do talk to her. I open my heart and listen for answers. Maybe they come from her or maybe they come from my own head. I take them either way.

    Walking in circles… that is so, so true. Direction seems elusive. You’ll get it back. I promise. Though sometimes I still feel it. Sometimes I don’t know how to move forward, which is where I so desperately want to go.

    Lean on your church, your friends and your family. It took me a while to realize how badly I needed to do that. I tried to do it alone and it didn’t work. Don’t try to do it. Let them help. Don’t be afraid to tell them you are having a hard day. You’ll be surprised how easily they will jump in to help.

    Know that people care. Really, really care.
    Ally

    [Reply]

  10. Tara says:

    You know my thoughts and how i feel. i just wrote a whole bunch but deleted it.. i’ll just tell you in person. i do agree with Missy tho. :( i miss the nan very much :( you have some amazing people that are visiting this site.. whether you know them or not… that are offering you warm thoughts, hugs, and prayers… feel them all…they will help your wounded heart to heal. xoxo

    [Reply]

  11. Really enjoyed your blog — found it through another one and so glad I did. Sorry about your mom. My mom passed 5 years ago and I wished I had asked those same questions. Feel free to visit my blog anytime! Dawn @ http://www.thewayiseethings.typepad.com I’m following you through Networked Blogs!

    [Reply]

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