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She Said: “If My Life Were a Book” | Today's Cliche - Marriage, Family, & Working Mommy... from BOTH Women's and Men's Perspectives

Wednesday, November 21, 2018

She Said: “If My Life Were a Book”

May 13, 2010 by  

It’s Thursday – which means it’s time for another stimulating set of prompts from Mama Kat and her Writer’s Workshop. I had the pleasure of meeting Mama Kat at Bloggy Boot Camp 2 months ago. Mama Kat is as fab as a fellow Kat can get.

I chose prompt #5:

Wow, this very well may be the HARDEST post I’ve ever had to write. The challenge does not lie in the actual writing about myself, but rather the attempt at trying to ‘dance around’ the things I really want to write but sadly that my parents, in laws, and neighbors really shouldn’t know about me (blushing).

Here goes the PG-13 Rated Version:

Do you have the potential to be OCD… but barely have time to change your tampon, much less decrust the produce drawer in your fridge?  So does this overworked and underpaid career-minded woman of 4 young tikes. As she navigates the fecal waters of this thing-called-life, will her boat sink or swim? Often corrected by her own children for eating cereal and milk with her hands, she is easily irritated if you even attempt to use the word “relax” or “shh” around her.  She

will do anything for anyone with four limbs, but you might not want to take her out in public. She can be embarrassingly racey, and says completely inappropriate things at the least inopportune times.  Dive in to find out if she sinks or swims the clamorous waters of her mid-30s.

Ever meet that guy that always does the right thing, to the point of nauseam? He’s the ultimate boy scout (although not in the I-can-fix-anything-or-get-us-outta-this-bind-sorta boy scout)… You know that guy in high school who everyone knew would make the most fab husband? But, not the geeky ones, still the super adorable and crushable one.  What about that guy who often…

Okay, this REALLY sucks. I SOOO want to write a ton of awful s#it about him, just to get back at him for selling me out in front of crowds, or for putting me in my place at the worst possible time… but sadly, I can’t. He gives me everything I need.

Wait, sort of.

We’re about 90 years from him providing my dream home (can send pics upon request), a boat, a beach house, a lake house, an account at Anthropologie and White House Black Market, a live-in maid (but not live-in Nanny… NOOO thank you!), and a deluxe camper [yes, the obnoxious Mac friggin’ Daddy ones you see on the highway with all the flippin’ bells and whistles…]. Oh, an Apple TV, a customized wood walk in closet, free spray tans for the rest of my life [although I’ve never done one, I think I’d totally be addicted], and last but CERTAINLY not least]…. the #1 item on my priority list:

– A LIVE IN Masseuse. Has to be male. Should not have his chest shaved, but also not be overly hairy. Must be tan, but by the actual sun, nothing artificial… Must have BIG, strong hands, and BIG strong legs… and BIG strong chest. Oh, nails must not be too long, or too short, so tickling can also be involved. Oh, and the masseuse’s daily responsibilities include a 4 hour session with me, 7 days a week.

But really, Dave’s just fine and has — & provides — a fabulous life.

This is certainly the male masseuse he’d arrange for me, IF he were in charge, that is…:

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14 Responses to “She Said: “If My Life Were a Book””
  1. I would totally read that book! I love your priority list, too. Is it bad that I’d be more excited about having a maid than a masseuse?
    Visiting from Mama Kat.


  2. Dania says:

    My husband is also the ultimate boy scout and i the ultimate b*tch 😉 I’d want a masseuse that looks like Daniel Craig (ok,I actually want Daniel Craig to be my masseuse!) Can’t wait to see what you write up for next week’s workshop.


  3. After reading your life description, it’s obvious you’re awesome. But then, I already knew that.


  4. Tara says:

    The only way to get all those things is to be with a jerk that doesn’t care about the important things in life… that’s why you are so lucky to have Dave:)… and the AMAZING life you two have created together!!! TMI with the tampon… your Dad reads this!!! I’m embarrassed that he is going to read this and want to puke….but then again…you did say you say the most inappropriate things at the most inopportune times!! I guess since this is your blog you should be able to say what you want when you want BUT.. i really think you need to start an anonymous blog. Think about yesterday morning’s story that made your day… you could have written about that!!! HYSTERICAL!!! LOVE IT AND YOU.. XOXO


  5. Dave says:

    Where do you find the time to get pictures like that? She would break me in two…


  6. I would totally read the book…but, not if that freaky pic was on it! Gives me the heebs!! lol! You guys crack me up! I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. I’m sure it hasn’t been easy. Thanks for stopping by our Table and for all you uber kind, flattering words! You sister are welcome to our Table anytime! Are you going to Momzshare?! We will both be there!


  7. Cheryl says:

    HA! That picture cracked me up!


  8. Jinnia says:

    You are SO CREATIVE!


  9. Alexandra says:

    Oh, ugh: no…it can’t be true about that picture, can it???


  10. Joy says:

    I would definitely read that book. I have to say that picture is very scary looking. She could probably lift me over her head without breaking a sweat. Yikes.


    Kat Reply:

    Joy – I’m flattered that you’d read my book! I don’t think I really made myself sound too sweet or tempting in the book, but Whatev!


  11. debbie says:

    I had all kinds of things to say about that post until I got to that photo. Now, my mind is so stuck on how wrong that is – I can’t think of anything else.


    Kat Reply:

    Funny stuff… Meanwhile, I haven’t visited you in a while (I’m sure you’ve read why).. heading over now, Deb! That pic is insane, right? I’d love for my masseuse (which I’ll never have) to look like McDreamy… not him (or her) or sheman…


  12. Crystal says:

    oh my, that is just hilarious!!! Loved the picture, laughing out loud about that. I love the part where you said you said you have a hard time finding the time to change your tampon. Sooo funny!


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