Why I’m Soooooo Not “Mom of the Year”
So, my lovable friends at Mommyologist and LifeWithoutPink are hosting a contest that I seriously think I have a pretty stellar shot at. And, my ego should not inflate, but rather deflate, by this fact.
Why I’m SOOO not mom of the year. Top 10, Letterman style.
10. My throat was bleeding from screaming (literally AND figuratively!) BLOODY MURDER at my kids Thurs. night. Like, red blood. When they freaking’ encroach on MY time at night to: (a) “Veg” (happens 2% of the nights), (b) work, (c) strategize, (d) organize, (e) catch up on Facebook (happens 1.007 % of the time)… I. AM. PISSED. And I mean pissed. 9 pm is no time for a 2 year old to be scratching or biting his 4, 6, or 7 year old siblings and swinging from the rafters. C’mon, people! And, of course, the peanut gallery is egging each other on.
There is ZEEEERRRROOO chance my 1st or 2nd kid EVER, EVER, EVER would have tested the murky waters like that. They’d ask me to go to bed, and go right to bed for me. They never got out of bed until the morning, when they gently called me from their beds, “Mooommmy, I’m aaaawwwwaaaakkkkke”. Oh, the good ‘ole days.
9. I’ve had fire engines screeching into an underground parking garage to save Yours Truly’s 1 1/2 yr old daughter. Why? Locked her in the car. To top it all off, her leg was wedged in between the car door and her
8. My child’s creative writing poem includes a reference to my favorite…. WINE store? Um, not only embarrassing, but Parenting F A I L.
7. I’m “that neighbor” that I can BET is the crux of most “You think THAT’S BAD” (with varying voice intonations) one-uppers.
Example: “You think THAT’s bad that you heard your neighbor fighting with her husband? WELL you should hear MY NEIGHBOR. All she does is yell at the top of her lungs at those damn kids to get them to do anything. Man, she gives them the business. Oh, and I can also hear every conversation she has on her phone b/c she talks so freaking loud… Let me tell you, I’ve heard some juicy stories from across the street – some of which involved you, matter of fact.”
6. My Thursday night extravaganza as noted here.
5. In public, I grit my teeth while pulling their arm and say, “I swear to G-d, if I have to ask you one more time to x,y,z, you see this hand??? Guess where it’s gonna go?” (Please continue to resist the call to CPS). The follow-thru isn’t there; just the threat — THEY DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY!!! Help!
4. During the school year, my kids wind up peeing and pooping in the mobile potty unit in my trunk MORE than they do on the porcelain goddess. I drive carpool like it’s my full-time job — all over God’s creation. And, there’s zero chance I’m dragging all of those kids into a public restroom. They get to go potty with others lurking around, looking to see what all the commotion is in my open trunk. I dump bagged poop in garbage pails in the front of grocery stores all over town. Better hope you’re not heading to THAT grocery a few days after that baby bakes in the sun.
3. I have slept through picking up my children at preschool. Seriously. Yes, pick up is in the afternoon. Horrible, horrible Mommy.
2. I’ve run out of gas with all of the kids in the car. Yes, that low fuel light is no freaking joke.
1. I didn’t realize I needed a double bolt on my bedroom door. I didn’t know my kids know how to pick locks. Let’s just say our 4 tikes learned a bit early RE: the birds and the bees last weekend.
Please, please tell me I’m not alone. Do you have 1 parenting fail that will make me not feel like such a a failure? Do you have 2? 10 like moi?
Do you think I should win? Leave a comment to let them know!